Neurodivergence and Motherhood
Unlike what stereotypes might tell you, neurodiversity is not something that only affects white males. Modern research indicates that most neurodiverse women go undiagnosed at high rates. This is in large part due to the sexist societal demands that are placed on women to conform with non-autistic peers.
Young girls with autism might experience sensory issues, unique special interests, and social difficulties, much like their male counterparts. What is unique about the experience of young girls is that they are asked to “mask” certain behaviors, more so than boys. “Masking” is a phenomenon that occurs when people attempt to hide their inner experiences to be more socially acceptable. This might go as far as adopting personas of movie, tv, or book characters, repeating certain lines or phrases, or mimicking peer behaviors.
As you might expect, it is emotionally draining to have your guard up. Many women report feeling socially isolated even when they are routinely engaging with others. This leads to elevated levels of stress and burnout.
Neurodiverse women, especially those with autism and ADHD, are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, sexual assault, premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, ARFID, as well as PTSD. Autoimmune disorders such as POTS and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome are also more common in neurodiverse women. They are also more likely to be misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
In my experience, neurodiverse moms have a particularly challenging time. Research has shown that pregnant autistic women are more likely to experience depression and anxiety as well as heightened sensory issues.
Moms are often seen as the ones juggling the emotional and mental labor of home – including many of the direct caregiving tasks, which are often overwhelming sensory experiences by themselves. Other challenging sensory experiences associated with motherhood might include:
Activities such as breastfeeding and pumping
Warm or wet sensations while holding an infant
The feeling of being “touched out”
Auditory sensations of crying or talking children, background noises, noisy toys, pets making sounds, etc.
Dealing with spit-up and vomit
Changing diapers
Feeding activities, such as baby-led weaning
Aversion to certain products associated with children for texture-related issues, including certain clothing, blankets, bubbles, play dough, slime, etc.
Trying to self-regulate is difficult when a neurodivergent person is confronting the challenges ascribed to traditional female roles. Furthermore, some of these activities, such as breastfeeding, might be seen as criteria for being a “good mother,” either implicitly or explicitly by society. This activity cannot usually be outsourced to someone else. The neurodivergent person might feel a sense of defeat about not taking to breastfeeding easily, disliking or resenting the activity more so than their non-autistic counterparts due to sensory issues.
One of the aspects of neurodiversity that can be particularly difficult for neurodiverse moms to contend with is the reckoning that comes with not being the mom you envisioned being to your children. I would venture to say this is difficult for many women, but it is usually felt more intensely by those who identify as neurodiverse. This is because perfectionism and shame are usually ingrained in women that might have been perceived as “different” in early childhood. These early manifestations of needing to mask your true self to better align with non-autistic peers are core wounds that usually have a lasting effect. Neurodiverse women often feel inadequate, flawed, and deficient, even when they give their best effort.
Society has catered to neurodiverse and non-autistic men alike with built in support systems, in the form of mothers, wives, and secretaries that could carry the mental load. Women do not usually have this experience, even with the best attempts are made at equitable relationships (although I can see this rapidly changing with Gen Z). This conversation around gender roles and neurodiversity is an important one to have because we see men routinely being allowed to get out of some of the manual, mental, and emotional tasks of parenting, particularly if they identify as neurodiverse. However, there seems to be a gendered expectation that ALL moms should self-sacrifice since they chose parenthood.
It is becoming increasingly common for women to suspect autism once they reach adulthood. Many people, either by formal diagnosis or self-diagnosis, report tremendous relief in naming the thing that is such an integral part of themselves. I believe that the diagnosis process is particularly important for mothers. I find neurodiverse mothers to be truly excellent in their roles. These women are usually well-researched, caring, and self-sacrificing to a fault for their families.
While neurodiversity is not something that needs to be fixed, understanding more about it can create a better framework for self-compassion. There is no “right way” of being, and it creates a lot more pain trying to fit into a mold that was not designed for you.
If you want to explore more about your neurodivergence and get support as you navigate stressors related to motherhood or anxiety, please reach out to me at chudson@wellspacetherapy.org.