Navigating Your Quarter Life Crisis
I am fascinated by the concept of the “quarter-life crisis” that happens to many of us in our mid to late twenties. In the US, the age when we transition to adulthood is widely controversial – is it when we graduate from high school? Is it when we graduate from college and get our first full-time job? Or is it 26 when you can no longer be on your parent's insurance? Being partial to astrology and finding most of the concepts mentioned previously remarkably subjective, I prefer to think of the transition age to adulthood in terms of what astrology tells us about our first major life transition. The first “Saturn Return” occurs between 27 and 31, so let's stick to that idea for the purpose of this blog post.
When people come to therapy talking about having a quarter-life crisis, they tend to have led lives that fall into one of two camps, or a good blend of the two. The people in the first camp are the ones that play by the book and make the quote-on-quote “right” choices. This includes conventionally good choices such as going to college, getting good grades, procuring a respectable job, and eventually settling down with a life partner and having children. These people put a high value on stability and will assume that doing these things will equate to happiness. The other category of people is more likely to make more unconventional choices. You might see them struggle outwardly to find a college major or finding a career path. They might go from relationship to relationship, finding it difficult to settle down. If you see yourself as a combination of both, that is normal. Most will see themselves in some situations aligning more with one or the other, and neither is right or wrong.
Regardless of which camp you see yourself in, you might find yourself incredibly unhappy with where you are in your life and can’t figure out what you want. The work is this – figuring out a life that aligns with what is going on inside of you.
This can be really, really difficult to do! I suggest spending time writing about what you want life to look or feel like until you get clear about what matters. This might look like journaling notes or jotting random words down.
Quarter life is a weird time in a lot of ways. Not only can it feel like a crisis personally and professionally, but it can also be a strange time with family, friends, and even romantic relationships. These relationships might feel strained during the time of transition as you start reevaluating what you need. In some cases, you might need to place boundaries, or even eliminate some people from your life.
I often talk to people about how important it is to develop self-trust during this time to separate from your origin story. This might include evaluating family dynamics, political beliefs, religion, the way you want your family to look (if you want one at all), what type of work is meaningful to you, and more. You must learn to rely on your ability to know your needs and desires. Nobody else can do this work for you.
One caveat that is helpful is that nothing is finite in life. I love this quote by Carl Jung that states “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Remember that what works in this season, doesn’t need to work for you next year, or even tomorrow. Stay flexible and open to your needs, and desires, and trust that you will figure out what you will need with each passing day.
The feeling of not knowing what you want or where you are heading is tough. These feelings are incredibly valid and are frankly telltale signs that you are cognizant of the difficult times we are living in. Cultivating the life you want is possible, and remember when you feel overwhelmed by it all, that you are living in a world marked with fixed accomplishments – graduation, marriage, jobs, etc. A good life is one with flexibility. Just because you don’t feel like one door isn’t right for you today, doesn’t mean it will always be the case.
My best piece of advice if you are looking for direction today – pick choices that align with your values. If you made a choice years ago that has taken you on a path that you wouldn’t take again knowing what you know today, take that as a hint that it probably doesn’t align with what your values are anymore. Think about it, notice what you like and don’t like, and explore what does align with your values.
Take care.