How attachment theory can help your relationship today

Do you feel like you get in the same fights over and over again with your partner? We have all been there. It is frustrating feeling like you are in a never-ending toxic cycle. What if I told you that understanding your attachment style might help your relationship?  

Here are the three main types of attachment styles and their characteristics:  

Anxious attachment style

This attachment style refers to people that received inconsistent parenting and care from their primary caregiver as children. This does not mean that the parents were negligent, but at times they were involved and other times, mis attuned. As adults, people with this attachment style fear abandonment and can be seen by their partners as clingy, intense, or jealous. These people will seek validation from others and struggle with rejection or perceived slights.  

avoidant attachment style

This attachment style is commonly seen in people who were raised by caregivers who were distant and emotionally unreliable. These children will learn to close themselves off emotionally to those closest to them. This will continue to adulthood, where they might be seen as independent. These adults will be mis attuned to their feelings and needs. They will have difficulty with emotional closeness and avoid conflict.  

Secure attachment

This attachment style in adults will show up as the person being comfortable with emotional closeness and able to communicate their needs. These individuals will have a keen sense of self and will believe that they are worthy of love.  

Now you might be getting an idea about where you and your partner or previous partners fall on this spectrum, but how can it help you have a better relationship?  

Understanding your attachment style will fundamentally change your relationship if you can take this information and reflect how these patterns show up in your relationship dynamics.  

Consider this scenario between anxious and avoidantly attached partners:

One partner (the avoidantly attached person) leaves in the middle of a particularly heated fight. The other partner (the anxiously attached type) might be left feeling unsure about the future of the relationship. They might have feelings of rejection, sadness, and even anger at the avoidant partner for leaving instead of confronting an issue in the relationship. The avoidant partner might feel so uncomfortable with conflict that they feel like it is impossible to regulate themselves and avoid it altogether. Instead of seeking emotional closeness and resolution, they exit the situation to avoid further discomfort.  

With these dynamics, it is important to understand your perspective, needs, and feelings and consider your partners. This requires a lot of vulnerability and bravery. In this particular scenario, I might suggest taking breaks during conflict to allow for the avoidant partner to meet their need for safety. By staying engaged in the conversation and coming to a resolution in the conflict, this will allow for the anxiously attached partner to stay more grounded, and avoid feelings of abandonment or rejection. As with everything, each client I work with is different and has different needs. I encourage all my couples to slow things down during conflicts and consider words and actions. Take breaks when you have difficult conversations and commit to taking deep breaths when you start feeling out of control. 

Most people just want to be heard and understood in their relationships. You are not required to see eye to eye with everything with your partner. Instead of viewing conflict as persuading your partner to see things your way, think of it as explaining your feelings and views on your position. Your goal should be to talk about what is important, and have your partner understand. There are core needs — those are non-negotiables that relate to your values and goals, and then there are things that lie in a vast realm of flexible needs. These flexible needs are still essential needs, but they can be met in various ways. Successful couples are able to work together and communicate ways to meet each each others needs, both the core non-negotiable ones and their flexible needs.

Keep in mind one last thing, great relationships don’t have to be perfect to be really, really good.