Toxic Perfectionism in Motherhood

Does this situation sound familiar? Worrying about things not being done correctly, tossing and turning about things you *should* have said or done. Nit-picking everything, just to find one small thing that could have been done better?  

You aren’t alone. Many of us were raised in homes where perfection was expected. As young children, we are often given excessive praise for achievements, leaving us to assume that anything less than exceptional effort equates to failure. As we grow older, people might develop perfectionistic traits to control their surroundings or manage feelings of inadequacy. Many of us might suffer from anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which can make perfectionistic traits even more poignant.  

Perfectionism isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it often treads on toxic territory. Many of my clients get caught up in wanting to be a “perfect mom” in their parenting journey. Unfortunately, this doesn’t exist – at least in the world I live in. You are setting yourself up to fail if you hold yourself up to this make-believe standard.  

I often challenge my clients to consider what a “good enough mom” might look like. When I say this, it is not because I don’t want you to be the best mom you can be. But consider this – do you really think that being unnecessarily hard on yourself is bringing out the best version of yourself? Or is it instead making you feel more emotional, impatient, or defensive?  

Women are under an enormous amount of stress and pressure. Mommy blogs and Instagram accounts push a toxic narrative that you must love every second of motherhood. The truth of the matter is some seasons will be better than others.  

Give yourself grace when you notice yourself becoming disgruntled and follow it with a curious observation of what you are feeling. Notice what is coming up for you and acknowledge that this moment might feel frustrating or even disappointing. Does it mean your life is a disappointment? Probably not. Does it mean you are a bad mom? Of course not. If you are reading this, you are probably less than 5 years into motherhood. You are relatively new to parenting and are navigating uncharted territory every day with growing children. I can also assume that if you are reading this still, you are doing your absolute best to be a good parent to your child.  

It is okay to not be perfect, to acknowledge that you have hard days, and commit to growing into motherhood. Your children want a happy mom, not a perfect mom. If you think that perfectionism might be getting in the way of your happiness, consider letting it go.