Healing from Codependency
One of the more common issues I see in women – especially those that describe themselves as anxious or stressed – is a pervasive pattern of codependency.
Most people associate codependency with substance abuse. In more modern research, we see codependency as a pattern of behavior that is usually learned in childhood and thrives in dysfunctional families.
“Dysfunctional families” is a term I would use to describe any family that refuses to acknowledge problems within the family unit. While this might include a family member with an addiction problem, it can also include families where someone has a chronic, physical, or mental health condition, or in families where emotional, physical, and verbal abuse is present. In these families, they ignore or avoid difficult problems and require their children to do the same. Instead of focusing on each person's needs, attention is on the person with the problem. The members of the family are expected to sacrifice and place their own needs, desires, and emotions on the back burner.
In adulthood, this lends itself to some of the following attributes:
Difficulty saying no
Unhealthy boundaries
Feeling unsure about your needs and feelings in a given situation
Struggling to name or ask for what you need/want
Feelings of low self-esteem
Valuing others opinions of you over your own
If any of these attributes ring true, it is not your fault. Codependency, just like everything else, is a spectrum of behavior learned over time. It can be improved through insight, awareness, developing better communication skills, and implementing healthy boundaries.
For most, healing from codependency often involves working on improving your sense of self, one that is not based on other people's views of you. This can be difficult, raw work in the beginning. I often engage my clients in conversations around values and beliefs as they work on this skill. Opening to new possibilities and patterns of behavior and creating a compassionate framework to look back on your past is an integral part of changing current reality. It can be hard to give up on old stories and patterns, but in it, there is freedom.