Healthy Boundaries in relationships

Boundaries are a topic that often come up in my practice. It is a subject that many people, including myself, struggle with. As a southern woman, being polite and having boundaries can often feel like they are at odds with one another.  

Healthy boundaries doesn’t involve gossiping, cutting people off, building walls around yourself, or excusing yourself from a situation to avoid setting a boundary. It means you state what you need, want, and expect. Sounds pretty simple, right?  

The trouble with boundaries is that it often comes at the cost of some uncomfortable emotions. The women in my practice often tell me that they feel rude, or they are too much of a people-pleaser to set a healthy boundary. Instead, they sit in discomfort with certain situations and feel miserable for hours, months, or even years.  

The best way to communicate a boundary is to be as direct as possible and allow for the discomfort to arise. For some, the discomfort might feel unbearable at first. Notice the feeling like it’s a cloud or a wave. Remind yourself that it is a temporary feeling and sit with it until it passes. It helps to identify some of your favorite coping strategies to employ in these high emotion moments.  

It can feel disheartening when a boundary isn’t respected or is only temporarily enacted by those around us. I encourage the clients I work with that just like learning a new skill, loved ones might need time to acclimate to a new boundary. It is similar to a child learning something new – reminders might be necessary or might be ignored initially.  

Don’t be disheartened and remember that unlearning old habits is difficult work. Freedom from feeling stuck requires openness to new behaviors.

“Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.” - Nedra Glover Tawwab 

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” - Brene Brown